HAPPY BIRTHDAY SOLEIL!!!

it’s officially august 19, 2006… exactly 6 years ago, around 2 am… I gave birth to my wonderful daughter… via lamaze [ouch!] the sunshine of my life… Soleil.

What a good daughter she has been…. Never given me any headache. Simple and funny. Always full of question. An echo, always repeating whatever I say… a replica… my mini ME.

But as I watch her sleep tonight, I feel extremely guilty. I’ve been a bad mother lately. My little sunshine has not been doing that well in school. She’s a bit slow. Sobrang dependent sa akin para maintindihan ang assignments at lessons. San ba nakakabili ng “patience” kailangan ko ng sangkatutak na pasensiya! Hindi kay Soleil… but in my inability to make her memorize things, pakiramdam ko hindi ako magaling na teacher! Everytime she makes her homework, she can’t do it all alone, she always seeks my approval. Everytime I give her a nod , she’s all ecstatic, she beams with confidence. But the very minute I castigate her dahil mali ang sagot niya, she clams up, becomes a crybaby… and ends up believing she’s dumb and can’t do anything right. She simply don’t know the answer… at hate na hate ko pag sinasabi niyang “di ko alam eh!”

My heart breaks… my heart is torn between giving in, hugging her, telling her its alright. She can still be a wonderful person when she grows up even if she can’t memorize all the provinces in the Philippines, even if she can’t arrange numbers from least to greatest. That she would still have a gazillion opportunities waiting for her in the future…. But still the teacher in me is shouting, she needs to learn, the hard way, if she wants to be prepared for the future. At this point I am confused… and frustrated…

And in the middle of this confusion and frustration, I feel I am becoming a monster mom--- a terror mom, who is so strict, yun bang napapraning na sa pagtuturo! That sometimes I ask, why can’t I just have an intelligent child? Why can’t my daughter just be a fast learner like her classmates? But why the hell am I comparing her with other kids. She’s different, she’s unique in her own way, its unfair to her, and I have no right, even if I am her mother! How dare me!

The biggest challenge I am undergoing now is the fact, my son is growing up to be the total opposite of my daughter. And I am afraid that one day, out of sheer frustration I would verbalize that “little boy” is better than “ate”. I won’t be able to forgive myself…

Although I am learning something… no one in this world can have all the luck… all the good things life has to offer. I have one slow child, and I have one fast learner. I am sure, the slow child would have other exceptional talents to compensate her being slow. I would patiently wait for it. And try to hone whatever her heart desires.

The greatest gift I am giving her today… on her 6^th birthday… is acceptance, 100% acceptance… na kahit hindi siya perpekto’ng estudyante… she’s perfect in my eyes. At kahit anong mangyari, I will be here to support and love her till the end!

Happy Birthday Soleil!